I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
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The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?