It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
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‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Follow me for more fitness tips.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?