[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
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Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.