Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
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Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
The internet is full of many things
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.