I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
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Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U