waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
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GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”