Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
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In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Life is a suicide mission.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Stop it! 😂
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.