Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
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i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.