Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
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geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.