Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
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Thank Satan it’s Monday.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what