[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
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That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam