One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
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What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
shampoo implies shampee
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer