I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
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I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.