i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
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Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I wish I were this cool 😂
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?