Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
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Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
real
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate