Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
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Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!