“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
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I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
3% human
97% stress
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Wait for it
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.