Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
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do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself