Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
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furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.