friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
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I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad