cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
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*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
why no one uses midhusbands