[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
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if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.