Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
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Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.