Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
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My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
tis the season
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”