Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
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[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
That lamp looks PISSED.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it