OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
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[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Self-cleaning conscience
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.