[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
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[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
this is uni
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed