Feels like there should be a middle ground
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ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.