I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
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Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?