Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
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#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.