@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
You Might Also Like
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.