Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
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The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
There is wisdom there.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now