The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
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ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
*updates tinder bio*
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.