I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
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marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Please do it!
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?