If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
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Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁