I love snow
– People who never shovel
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Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Me, flirting😏
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags