NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
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Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup