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If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I drew y’all a little something.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him