Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
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Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
79.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*