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At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Oh deer
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.