Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
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[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
new wife guy just dropped
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!