I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
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I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭