glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
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[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.