Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
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My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
This was a bad idea all around
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.