The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
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Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*