Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
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5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Oh we’ve met.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”