waiting for halloween be like:
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Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.