robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
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Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken