I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
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my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Hilarious if literal: arms race
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling