For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
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me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
#gardening
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies